


Mission Abort

by jencwrites



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Abortion, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Heavy Angst, Modern Era, Other, Pregnant Sansa Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 06:57:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20170060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jencwrites/pseuds/jencwrites
Summary: TRIGGER WARNINGThis contains the topic of abortion.Please do not continue if this is a trigger.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Something that I wrote a long time ago. It's harsh and angsty. Abortion is not fun but I needed to write this.
> 
> I feel like this is a message that needs to be out there, something that I need to say to someone somewhere.

_I won’t peek. I won’t look until it dings._

  
I stole a glance at the egg timer. It ticked away the seconds. I still had one more minute to go. I turned my back to the bathroom counter and all the mess spread on it. The one clean area held my egg timer and the pregnancy test. The apartment bathroom looked like a nuclear bomb went off and spewed make-up, dirty towels, shoes, and clothes everywhere. I had my sister to thank for that.

  
I let my breath out. Somehow I was holding my breath without realizing. Damn, one minute can be along time. Like when you’re a kid in gym class and you’re jumping rope for 3o seconds straight and it feels like you have to jump for the millionth time. Your lungs burn. Your legs are lead.

  
My legs are lead. What if I’m pregnant? I’ll have a kid to send to gym to jump rope! Oh God.

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK._

“Sans, are you in there? I think I left my lipstick on the counter.”

  
My sister’s sing-song voice penetrated my thoughts and brought me crashing back to the present. Lipstick was a new thing for her. She very much enjoyed wearing lipstick these days, mostly to impress that foreign guy she was seeing. I replied “Yeah, which one?”

  
“The black tube.” I could hear her hand on the door handle trying to open the door. “What are doing in there? Why is the door locked?”

  
“None of your business.”

  
I quickly locate the lipstick in the mess and read the name off the bottom. Perfect Praline. Sounds tasty. I open it to peek at the color, which is a nice warm nude.

  
“Hey did you find it?”

  
“I did. Here.” I opened the door a crack to peek at my sister. I try to slip her the lipstick while blocking the view of the counter.

  
“Why are you being so weird?” Arya asked. “Seriously, what are you doing in there?” She tries to look in through the crack.

  
I try to be nonchalant. “Nothing. Just take this and go.”

  
The timer dings. Great. Freaking dead giveaway. Just peachy.

  
“Why do you have a timer in there?” A look of understanding crosses my sister’s face. “Sansa, are you taking a _test_?”

  
I felt my heart plummet from its home in my chest to somewhere between my feet. Defeated, I open the door all the way and pull Arya in.

  
“Yeah. But you can’t tell anyone anything, especially mom and dad or you die in your sleep.”

  
“Fine. I won’t say.”

  
“Swear it.”

  
“Ok I swear.”

  
“PINKY SWEAR?” I wiggle my pinky at her.

  
She links her pinky with mine. “Pinky swear. My lips are sealed. So what’s it say?”

  
We both turn to the counter and look at the purple and white test stick.

  
“I don’t know. I haven’t looked yet.”

  
We gazed together at the stick lying on the counter for a long moment. I kept hoping it would disappear and I’d wake up from this weird dream.

  
“So pick it up.” Arya nudged me. “What’s it say?”

  
I slowly pick up the test. I turn back to the instruction page. I squint my eyes, but there’s no change in what I see.  
“Damn it.”

  
“I’ll take that to mean positive.” She peers over my arm to my tummy. “What are you going to do?”

  
“I don’t know. It’s not like have a plan for situations like this. I was taking precautions.”

  
“Do you know how far along you are?”

  
“Well, I’m 2 weeks late.”

  
“So this is your first month? Lemme think.” She scratched her head. She counted on her fingers and mouthed a few things before settling on an answer. My little sister never was very good with numbers.

  
“April-ish. You’ll be due in the spring. You can hide under winter clothes for long time.”

  
My mind was already kicking into panic mode. “I won’t be able to finish my degree. I’ll have to be a mom.” I could feel the blood rush out of my face. “Dad is going to kill me for this.”

  
I quickly pictured my parents and their reaction to telling them I was pregnant. On one hand, there’s the happy reception. The imaginary world where Mom and Dad look forward to their first grandchild and are willing to help me raise this little person. On the other hand, there is the more likely shamed reaction. Mom and Dad look down at me and shake their head. I picture Dad walking away from me and shutting me out of the family.

  
“No he won’t. You need to talk to them about what to do. Maybe you can take night classes and finish up school later.”

  
“I don’t want to put off graduating. This is my junior year. I have plans for my future and they don’t include being a welfare mama.”

  
“It’s going to be tough taking a full load of classes while you’re pregnant. You should take it easy.”

  
“Take it easy?”

  
“Yeah, get some help figuring out where to go from here.”

  
Deep down I’m scared it will never work. I have so much to do before I’m ready to support a child. But I also see the possibilities. What if I keep it? How will my life change?

  
Arya’s voice is running in the background of my thoughts as she rambles away.

  
“You know this could be a big sign for you to stop and change course with your life.”

  
“What’s wrong with my life?”

  
“Well, I’m just saying maybe the gods have an idea for you and this is part of it.”

  
I sigh. She has always been much more devoted to that than I ever was.

  
“So who’s is it? I haven’t been able to keep up with all your boyfriends lately.”

  
I hesitate for a moment. The truth sure hurts sometimes. “Well, I’m not sure. Could be Harry, could be the other older guy, Petyr.”

  
I look down at my feet to avoid Arya’s eyes.  
  


“The timing is really bad. I’m pretty sure it’s Petyr’s.” I swallowed and looked directly into my sister’s eyes. “Harry can never know.”


	2. Chapter 2

A week later, I managed to muster up the courage to talk to Mom. I called her and asked to have a quiet girls-only brunch on Saturday. I planned the food, hoping nothing would make me more queasy than I already was from worry. I arrived at my parent’s house with a small bag of groceries prepared to do the cooking. I let myself in through the garage side door. Dad was in the garage tinkering with the lawn mower.

“Hey, what’s wrong with that heap now?”

Dad raised his head and gave me a sideways smile. “I think I mowed a rock or two. I’m just changing out the blade so it cuts evenly again. You’re here early.”

“I know. I wanted to make breakfast so Mom doesn’t have to slave in the kitchen for a change.”

“She’ll like that.”

“I thought so.” I take a step towards to door into the house. “Well, I better get started.”

“Save some for me whatever it is.”

“I will. Don’t worry. You won’t blow away.”

I get inside and head to the kitchen. I spread out the groceries, eggs, ham, English muffins, a packet of Hollandaise sauce, a cantaloupe, and some asparagus. Mom was getting eggs Benedict deluxe, Sansa-style.

Mom had already made coffee. Knowing her usual routine, she was doing the crossword puzzle from yesterday’s paper on the front porch with her coffee. I peeked out the window and she was there, still in her robe. Her humongous reading glasses had slid down her nose a ways. I could see a note pad with lots of words littering the pages. She liked to write out possible answers and think about how they fit the puzzle before committing them to the little squares in ink. She only ever used ink on those puzzles.

Opening the front door, I asked Mom “Have you heard from Arya? Is she coming?”

“Yes, honey, she’s on the way. She finished up her bike ride and is coming over here right now.”

“Ok I’ll start cooking.”

I retreated to the kitchen and started on the eggs. Arya practically broke down the front door as she ran into the kitchen. 

“Dad outside?” she was a bit breathless.

“In the garage.”

“Are you really ready for this?” she probed.

“I guess so. Can you set the table? This won’t take long.”

She went to the dining room hutch and got out Mom’s favorite green Depression glass set.

“Bring me that oval platter when you have a chance,” I called to her.

“Be right there.”

She came in and took over slicing the melon. I finished toasting the muffins and making the sauce. We made a great team in the kitchen as long as I handled the actual cooking.

I took a deep breath. “Ok let’s review the plan. You get Mom. We eat. We talk about normal stuff, absolutely no boyfriend discussion though. After she’s eaten pretty much everything, then you bring up a question about single moms. That’s when I’ll tell her. Got it?”

“Got it. I’ll get her.”

I should have come up with something for Plan B. Arya brought Mom in. We just sat down and Dad came in. Dad finished fixing the mower quickly, he was starving and there was no way to keep him away from brunch. I was going to have to face up to both of them. Keeping my pregnancy a secret was eating me up from the inside. Maybe telling them both at the same time would be good.

Arya exchanged a look with me. Before anyone even had a chance to take a bite, I couldn’t hold out any longer.

“Mom, Dad, we need to talk.”

Three sets of eyes looked at me. Arya looked worried. Mom and Dad just looked curious.

“I don’t know a good way to say this so I’m not going to beat around the bush. I’m pregnant.”

I didn’t get the response I was hoping for. My parents looked at me with stone cold expressions. They didn’t once look at each other. Silence filled the room.

Mom was the first to speak.

“How did this happen?”

“It was an accident.”

“What do you mean by accident?” she calmly replied.

“Well I was taking precautions. I just switched pill brands, the old one was making me emotional and break out way too much…”

“Did you miss any?”

“No.”

“You didn’t forget to take them one day?”

“No, Mom, I was switching to a new brand, that’s all.”

“That’s all?” Her voice was dull, with no inflection.

Dad finally had something to say. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

Mom curtly finished the conversation. “You better go get the cure. Find out what it will cost and I’ll get money from the bank for you.” She stood up from the table. “I’ll be back in my workroom. I’ve lost my appetite.”

Dad dug into the food and ate quickly and left the room without a word. I sat at the table dumbfounded. Tears rolled down my cheeks and Arya scooted over to hold my hand.

She whispered to me. “They’re just really surprised. They don’t mean it. Later when they have a chance to absorb it, we can talk about your options.”

“No, I know what I have to do.”

“But Sansa,” I cut her off before she could finish.

“I don’t want to talk anymore.”

I took the dishes to the kitchen and threw away all the food. I shoved the dishes into the dishwasher and left the house. I got in my car and drove away. My sister stood at the window and watched me drive away.

Just outside the driveway, I start to sob. My tears roll freely down my cheeks and my vision blurs. Just when I need help from my parents, they shut me out. Wails come from my mouth without thinking. I don’t recognize my own cries.

I have to stop the car. I find a shaded spot in front of a nice house and park. I can’t help myself. Tears and wails of anguish pour from me. Unintelligible noises rise from my throat, guttural, primal noises. I pound my fists against the steering wheel. My body feels on fire as shudders course from head to toe. Frustration envelops me.

Crying is ugly. Scratchy eyes, sniffles, sobs, so much mucus clogging my airways. My mother’s word keep echoing in my head. _You better get the cure!_

After a few moments of unabashed emotion, I collect myself. I smooth my hair back and wipe the tears from my face. I make sure there is no drool on my chin. I put the car back in drive and head home to my little apartment.

The rest of the drive my mind reels with what-ifs. What if I keep the baby?? What if I tell Harry it’s his? I know he’ll be overjoyed and immediately want to get married and start a normal life together. We’d become the typical couple in a little cottage with two kids, a dog, a minivan. I’d be wanly smiling from the kitchen window wearing an apron while the kids played in the yard. He’s so old fashioned. Will my parents eventually come around? I’d be crazy with the one big what-if. What if the baby is actually Petyr’s? What if I tell Petyr it’s his? Will he stick around or tell me fuck off? Will he want to be involved? Can I make it without help? Plenty of other women have survived single-motherhood, but can I? What if my one slip-up results in the biggest living slap-in-the-face to my potential husband?

I park the car in my designated apartment parking spot and just stare out the window. In front of me is a pine tree filled with wild birds. They nest in it. They’re cute and bouncy, exactly the opposite of the way I feel. I open the car door slowly to keep from startling the birds. They see me move and zip out of the tree and into the sky.

My attempt at stealth was totally futile. Everything seems futile now. I’m damned one way or another. I go inside and plop on the couch. I’m suddenly very tired. All the stress is catching up with me. I decide it’s a good time to take a nap. Images of cute little birds fill my head as I doze off.


	3. Chapter 3

A month has evaporated from when I first confronted my family. I’ve avoided talking to anyone about what my plans are. I made a few phone calls and set up a doctor appointment.

I wasn’t thinking clearly when I made an appointment to see Dr. Wolkan, the family doctor. He still treated me like a little girl and I was utterly embarrassed to realize he was more excited for me to be pregnant than any other person in my family.

Harry has no idea what’s going on. All of my queasiness has been blamed on nerves and midterms. He thinks my upcoming appointment at the fertility clinic is to have an ovarian cyst checked out and removed. He has no idea that I’m pregnant and it’s going to stay that way. Petyr is out of the picture and he’ll never know either.

It’s my body, my life, my choice.

**************************** 

My days are going by, they seem normal to outsiders but they are far from normal. Sleep at night is tortured. Trying to drift off, images keep replaying in my head. I can’t seem to forget about Petyr.

We met months ago. I’d taken a trip for Spring break and bumped into a handsome older guy at the hotel. He was very different from Harry. Harry was a good guy, a simple country guy to be my perfect match as a simple country girl.

Suddenly, this sophisticated older man from the city was chasing me. He was 40 and I was only 20. I’d never been chased like that before. I’d never felt the thrill of being someone’s romantic prey. We had dinner and he followed me back to my room. I stood by my door fidgeting with my room key and I could see in his eyes the lust lurking there. I was a good girl though, always the good girl that did the right thing. I didn’t do this kind of thing, never. I let myself into the hotel room, bid him goodnight and locked the door. I peeked out the peephole to see if he left or not. He stayed there a moment too long, leaned on the door frame with one hand before slinking away.

Petyr pursued me that week. He was totally unabashed in his affection. Everything about him was different from Harry. Harry was built like country boys are, tall and a little thick, good for working the farm or construction. Petyr was shorter, almost my height with a slim build. Harry was always blunt and he meant well, but Petyr could coo the sweetest things to make my heart race.

I managed to preserve my dignity that trip. I didn’t sleep with Petyr. I was able to go home with a clear conscience. I did give him my cell phone number, though.

We kept in touch. Months of cute, flirty text messages. A secretive phone call here and there. He even mailed me a letter. Nobody mailed letters anymore, so the novelty of it caught my attention. Pages and pages of his elegant script filled with descriptions of how he couldn’t get me out of his head. Pages of descriptions of what sexual fantasies he’d had with me as his muse.

One day he called to announce he needed to see me and had already booked a flight and hotel room for a long weekend. He’d be in town at the end of July.

Caught up in the whirlwind, I told Harry I was going on a girl’s trip for the weekend. It was summertime, after all. Our relationship had hit another lull and we were sort of off again as it was.

Petyr arrived and whisked me to his hotel. After months of built up tension, we fucked like animals. He took me bent over like dogs and splayed on my back on the soft hotel bed then even standing up in the shower. I rode him like a rodeo queen on a galloping stallion. He ate my pussy. I sucked him off. We rutted for days straight until I was sore deep in my hips from being spread open for him so long.

On our last night together, we were laying naked in the bed when he received a peculiar phone call. He stepped outside to the balcony to take it. Curious, I eavesdropped a little. What I heard didn’t make sense. It was as if he were talking to someone back home, too intimate to be just his mother watching his cats. It almost seemed like he was talking to his wife, but he said he wasn’t married. If he said he wasn’t married, then I trusted that he wasn’t married. 

When the phone call ended, he came back inside. I asked who it was and he admitted it was his wife, but insisted she wasn’t right in the head. He explained that she’d lost loved ones on 9/11 and she was never really sane since. He insisted they were separating and that she no longer meant anything to him. He insisted that I was all he wanted or needed now.

Reality sucks. Understanding of what he said blanketed me. He was a deceitful, conniving liar. He had a wife back home. I was his fling, his mistress. I immediately felt dirty and used. I was disgusted with myself for being so stupid, so very stupid and trusting a man who was essentially a stranger. I dressed quickly, pulling on my sundress and rushed away carrying my shoes.

I cried all the way home for letting myself be used.

Petyr tried calling but I let every message go to voicemail. I eventually blocked his number so I wouldn’t have to read his pleading text messages either.

A week later, I picked up the mail and found an envelope from him. Inside was a short message saying how he was sorry to hurt me that way. There was also a check. He sent a check for $300. 

Dumbfounded, I re-read the letter and stared at the check. Who the fuck did he think he was? Who the fuck got off sending his mistress $300. Prostitutes make more money than that for one fuck. He had a whole long weekend of pretty much everything in the kama sutra and I was only worth a lousy $300 to him? Was he slighting me by only sending $300? What the actual fuck was he thinking?

What the fuck was wrong with me to even get into this situation to start?


	4. Chapter 4

The flickering fluorescent lights of the clinic’s waiting room were giving me a headache. All around me, young women sit in chairs from all walks of life. It was like the urban version of Disney’s It’s a Small World.

_How oddly apropos,_ I think. I glance to my right. My on-again-off again boyfriend sits next to me. Harry had been with me through some weird times and he was with me as always. I was the one to make the relationship on and off.

Harry’s eyes were focused on a Hispanic girl probably no more than 14 years old. She wore low slung jeans, a cropped halter top, heavy make-up, and an iPhone. It was October and she looked ready for the summer. She chewed loudly on a wad of pink bubblegum.

_ Is she here for the same thing as me? She’s so young._ Goosebumps raised on my arms. I wasn’t sure if it was from the air conditioning running this late into October or the thought of this young woman coming here for the same procedure.

The waiting room was quiet except for the small television in the corner blaring propaganda extolling the virtues of the clinic. I picked at my fingers waiting for the nurse to call me back. Another look around the room revealed only one woman besides myself that might be older than 20.

“Bianca Hernandez please come to the window.”

The gum-chewing teen approached the check-in station. I couldn’t hear but I knew what they asked. _How will you be paying for your visit today?_ I watched as she pulled a bunched up lump of cash from her purse and counted out a number of bills looking roughly like $550. Same as me. I suddenly felt sorry for Bianca.

Then I saw a look on her face. She had been here before. This was old news to her. She was a return customer.

I lost my pity for her. My gut clenched knowing she, who was so young, had been here before, had done THIS before. Harry caught my hand as I had been squeezing the arm of my chair.

I caught my breath and realized I was nobody to judge her. I was the same, maybe worse. I foolishly slept with an older man, seduced by his charm and worldliness. I would never have considered abortion under normal circumstances. I glanced at Harry and offered a weak smile.

“Sansa Stark, the doctor will see you now.”

I fumbled to hand my purse to Harry as I rose from the seat. Walking on numb legs, I entered the office area. The nurse led me down a long hall lined with doors. Doors to exam rooms, offices, or all operating rooms I wondered. We entered a door near the end of the long hall. The room was furnished with a table with stirrups, two rolling chairs, an ultrasound machine, a tray covered with pink paper to hide the surgical tools, and a large purple canister.

The nurse handed me a paper drape. “Strip from your waist down. The doctor will be in shortly.”

I did as I was told. I stripped down. I folded my pants and tucked my underwear inside a pocket and placed them on the shelf behind the changing curtain. I stepped up to the exam table and slowly took a seat. The paper shifted and crackled beneath me. My feet dangled off the table. The numbness from my legs had spread upwards. My chest felt tight. I had to concentrate on breathing so I didn’t think about what was going to happen. 

The nurse re-entered the room holding another tray covered with pink paper. The doctor followed her. He approached me, shook my hand and introduced himself.

“I’m Dr. Tarley. I understand you’re here today for a termination.”

I nodded dumbly. Hearing someone else say it made my stomach churn.

“Ok. First we’ll do an ultrasound to see what’s in there. Lay back on the table.”

I laid down. The doctor pulled the drape down to exposes my stomach and squirted cool goop on me. He expertly swiped the ultrasound machine on, scanned my abdomen, saw what he needed to see, and had it turned off in record time. He spoke quietly to the nurse and I thought I heard him say it was a boy.

“We’ll give you some anesthesia and what we call a twilight medication that will put you out for the procedure.” The nurse had sneaked up next to me holding a syringe poised at my arm while I listened. She felt for a vein then I felt a small stab and a cool tingle in my arm.

“Please scoot your bottom to the edge of the table and place your feet in the stirrups. We’ll also use an IV line during the procedure. We should be done in no time though.”

I got into position. The nurse took my hand to look for a vein there. I closed my eyes and started to let myself relax. Done in no time I told myself, just like nothing ever happened. I’d be able to erase the evidence of my mistake.

I awoke sometime later. The doctor was gone. The nurse helped me sit up. She handed me two super-thick maxi pads.

“You can get dressed and come out to the nurse’s station when you’re done. Take your time.”

I took inventory of myself. Coordination was good, vision normal, no nausea, no cramps. A small twinge in my arm reminded me of the injection. Blood splatters on my yellow shirt stood out like a badge. They were even with where the nurse had held my hand when she placed the IV.

“Damn it,” I sighed. Maybe Harry wouldn’t notice.

I unfolded my clothes, positioned a pad in my underwear and got dressed. I stuffed the other pad in my pocket for later. I moved toward the door, ready to resume life.

At the nurses station, my nurse handed me two prescriptions. I tried to pay attention as she told me about cramping, bleeding, pain, but I was sleepy. She helped hold the door to the waiting room open for me. Harry stood and hurried to my side.

“You’re so pale. You feel ok?”

“I’m fine. Just take me home.”

Shuffling to the car, 50 feet felt like a football field. Harry opened the door of his truck for me. I climbed in and settled into the seat.

We drove home in silence. I was so drowsy. I stared out the window at the cows grazing in the nearby pastures. Harry was stiff as he drove. We were both uncomfortable, but for different reasons. The awful truth hit me. I was going home with the man I meant to marry, the man I wanted to father my children, and I just aborted the child I thought belonged to another man. I couldn’t hold back any more. Tears welled up and rolled down my cheeks. When had I gotten off track? Why had my life taken such a wrong turn? I guess I just suck.

Harry stole a glance out of the corner of his eye at me. I heard him swallow hard.

“Sweetie, are you alright?”

“I’m fine. I think the medicine is just messing with me right now. Can we stop at the drugstore? I need to get these prescriptions filled just in case.”


End file.
